Freudian Slip
by lostlikeme
Summary: Rick and Morty are forced to confess their darkest secrets when the ship gets stranded in a Freudian Slip.


FADE IN:

INT. RICK'S SHIP - SOMEWHERE IN THE MULTIVERSE

RICK leans back in his chair while the ship cruises on autopilot. MORTY releases a heavy sigh.

MORTY

Oh - oh man, I really thought we were gonna die back there.

RICK

We didn't have anything to worry about. Those insects couldn't tell a shift stick from a hydraulic shield.

MORTY

But weren't you scared Rick? Not even when -

RICK

Not even then. Now shut up before you ruin it, you're starting to remind me more and more of that loser father of yours.

MORTY

I'm not a loser, Rick. I'm gonna grow and have all the sex - I mean - success! One day I'm gonna be so sex-sucsexessful, and then -

The engine shudders, and RICK frowns.

RICK

What the hell was that? We've already had all the bareback - all the setbacks we can handle for one night.

MORTY

Then let's get out of here. Just tap that ass, I mean - hit the gas! Something weird is happening, Rick...

RICK

Yeah, tit sure is.

MORTY

Huh?

RICK

"Tit" sure is? What the hell kind of cheap, rudimentary excuse for a -

MORTY

I don't think we're gonna get very hard - far! Urgh!

The ship blinks, before losing power all at once, like an old string of christmas lights.

RICK

Greaaaat. (BELCHING) Whelp. Looks like we just fell face first into a Freudian slip. I'm grabbing a sex-pack. I mean six-pack. Fuck it.

MORTY

A what? What the glop is going on, who's gonna fly the ship?

RICK

Now you haven't heard of a beer? In case you haven't noticed, the ship isn't moving. Ergo, we're cucked - stuck.

MORTY

So we just need to get...unstuck?

RICK

The only way to get out is by confronting our major unconscious conflicts. And I'm not doing it sober.

MORTY

What the heck are you talking about? I don't understand any of that, Rick!

RICK

I'm making this shit up as I go. Psychology isn't real science. There aren't any rules. More like suggestions. If you spout the same bullshit for long enough eventually someone has to agree.

MORTY

I don't like the sound of this… We're in space, shouldn't we just - just float to somewhere eventually?

RICK

Wow, great job, asshat, that'd work if we weren't at least two quadicks - decks from the nearest solar system.

MORTY

W-well where are we?

RICK

According to my reading it's a homogeneous mixture of delta and beta brainwaves...wait. What the ever loving shit?

MORTY

Is that even english?

RICK

Consciousness, Morty. We're stuck in a pocket of consciousness in the middle of fuck all nowhere. And it's surrounded by some kind of magnetic field.

MORTY

Shit. Can't we portal home or something?

RICK

Maybe if the batteries hadn't run out.

MORTY

Run out? Why didn't you charge it Rick? What the hell!?

RICK

I didn't think we'd be out this long and I was using the charger.

MORTY

For what? What could possibly be more important?

RICK

None of your dick - none of your business. Shit.

The ship rumbles and jerks forward a short distance.

RICK

Ooh. Oh, goddammit. It's getting worse.

MORTY

Worse? Worse than what Rick? How could it be worse? What the fuck is going on?

RICK

We got here right after a Freudian slip. Another one and the ship suddenly moves? We're in the slit! Slip!

MORTY

We moved again, Rick!

RICK

We're gonna move every time!

MORTY

Oh, geeze. But how in the - how did we end up here?

RICK

How the squanch should I know? The multiverse is endless, MoOrty. Do you think I've been literally everywhere?

MORTY

I knew we should have asked for directions when we stopped for MacMeaties.

RICK

Like the frylord on Foodcourtia has an entire interstellar map memorized in his archaic reptilian brain!

MORTY

You didn't even ask! This is how it always is, with you - you - you never give people a chance, Rick.

RICK

Most people don't deserve a chance Morty. Most people deserve negative fucks given. Most people owe me fucks, Morty. That's just how it is.

MORTY

I'd rather give half a f-f-f-chance then to end up all like - like you!

RICK

You'd be lucky to end up like me you ungrateful brat. If there's anyone that's gonna fuck - if there's anyone that owes me fucks more then anyone else, it's you.

Two NEW MORTYS phase into existence on either side of ORIGINAL MORTY. ORIGINAL MORTY reverts to the MORTY ID. MORTY EGO, on the left, wears glasses, while MORTY SUPEREGO, on the right, wears a cross.

MORTY ID

Whoa! How come there's three of me?

MORTY EGO

Whoa! How come there's three of me?

MORTY SUPEREGO

Whoa! How come there's three of me?

RICK ID

There's three of me too, dumbass.

There are now three RICKS. RICK ID is covered in sweat and missing his lab coat, RICK SUPEREGO wears a tie, while RICK EGO appears otherwise normal.

MORTY EGO

Oh man.

RICK ID

Does anyone know if I ever got that beer?

MORTY ID

There's beer?

RICK ID

Hell (BURP) yeah, now we're talking. Think fast!

RICK ID throws a bottle of Hennessey at MORTY ID, the impact of which propels him backwards.

MORTY ID

Let's - let's fuck some shit UP! Motherfuckers, wOOO!

RICK SUPEREGO

You wish. Not while I'm still around.

RICK ID

(TO MORTY ID) Don't worry, I got you later.

MORTY ID

Hell yeah.

RICK EGO

Holy shit, now is not the time. Everybody shut the fuck up and think. We need to find a way to reintegrate all three parts back into the self.

RICK ID

You mean like self-actualization?

MORTY ID

Self-who-what-huh?

MORTY SUPEREGO

Well I, uh, I agree with Rick.

RICK ID

Kissass.

RICK EGO

Pay attention dipshits because I'm not going to repeat myself. You're the id, he's ego, and that's...the snobby dork with the cross is the superego.

RICK EGO

The id is the screeching infant inside all of us. Every insipid desire from scratching your ass to popping a boner comes from the innate monkey lust for instant gratification.

MORTY ID

Is that why I'm starving?

RICK EGO

That's why we're all starving, Morty.

RICK ID

You think that's bad, just wait until you have to drop a - take a shit.

MORTY SUPEREGO

Awwh, c'mon guys. Can we just p-please stop talking about shit?

RICK EGO

Next is the ego. He's the realest motherfucker around, and pretty much the only way to process reality. Also called common sense, you may have heard of it.

RICK ID

Don't worry, we haven't!

MORTY ID

Whooooooo! F-f-f-screw thinking, yeah!

RICK EGO

The superego is a pain in the ass, but he's also a pussy. So, not much to worry about there.

RICK ID

A real cross-sucker, if you know what I mean.

MORTY SUPEREGO

I'm not really sure I do.

RICK EGO

This preachy turd is your conscious. That lovely little voice from mom and dad or grandma that tells you you're gonna go blind from jerking off too much.

RICK SUPEREGO

Sue me for being the only one around here with any kind of moral compass.

MORTY SUPEREGO

Hey, you're not the only one!

RICK ID

You're my grandson, you don't count as a person.

MORTY ID

But which one of us is the real me?

RICK EGO

You're all the real you, dillhole, just split apart. Probably from the overload of cognitive dissonance.

MORTY ID

This is too many words Rick, I can't be all listening to this many - I'm gonna -

RICK ID

Bullshit! Psychology is for idiots, Morty. Even you can understand this much.

RICK EGO

Cognitive dissonance is that itchy feeling you get when you tell a lie. Except your entire life is a lie. We need to reduce the dissonance in order to lighten the subconscious, Morty.

MORTY EGO

I don't know if I can do this, Rick.

RICK EGO

We gotta. We gotta unload it all over the ship. Really get in there and pour out our deepest nastiest secrets like our life depends on it. Because it basically does. So let it rip.

MORTY EGO

I'm trying!

RICK EGO

Well trying isn't enough. Fess up.

MORTY EGO

After that weird dream with Summer, I kind of, kind of -

RICK EGO

You jerked off. Next.

MORTY SUPEREGO

W-what? How did you know?

RICK

So did I. Besides, That's Psych 101 numnuts, dig deeper. Discharge the shame train. Pull this fucker up to the station.

MORTY ID

I stuck my dick in the cookie jar!

RICK SUPEREGO

You diddled Mittens?

MORTY ID

And the turkey! Sweet, sweet turkey dinner.

RICK ID

Hey, I ate some of that turkey you shitflake.

MORTY ID

Wham, bam, thank you mam!

MORTY SUPEREGO

Ha ha - what! That's not true, I never did that!

RICK EGO

The turkey, or the cookie jar?

MORTY SUPEREGO

Neither!

MORTY EGO

You can't prove shit!

RICK EGO

I don't have to prove anything, science does it for me. And all of this - this, tantrum, right now? It's called your oedipus rex.

MORTY EGO

Rex, like the dinosaur?

RICK EGO

No.

RICK ID

We're basically just monkeys in space, and you're next in line for the monkey throne, Morty. (WHISPERING) But I'm on top. And I'm not going to give it up without a fight.

MORTY ID

(SCREECHING) Is that why I wanna - auGH! - murder you all the time?

RICK ID

Yep.

MORTY SUPEREGO

What? I don't wanna - PFFT - murder Rick? That's totally illegal. And wrong.

MORTY ID

Yes I do! Yes I do!

MORTY SUPEREGO

Shut up!

MORTY ID

Remember the gun? I wanted to - tried to - blast you so good!

MORTY SUPEREGO

The truth is... I didn't even know - I didn't know it was fake. I could have killed you, Rick. Blown your brains out all over the place.

RICK EGO

And all because of paternal penis envy.

MORTY ID

What? Rick, are you even listening to me? I don't envy Jerry's -

RICK ID

Who could envy his shrimpy little prick, even metaphorically?

RICK EGO

I'd rather eat my own shit than think about that parasite in any capacity short of repulsed. So I get it, I'm the stand in.

RICK ID

Don't sweat it. If I had a nickel for every Morty I accidentally killed I'd have enough money to buy us out of this shit.

MORTY EGO

Wait just a - how come I'm the only one saying all this crap?

RICK ID

(POURING SHOTS) What can I say, I have no shame.

MORTY SUPEREGO

We've been stalled for ten minutes and now you're drunk and you won't even try and help get us out of this - ugh!

RICK ID

You're drunk too!

MORTY ID

I know you are but what am I!

MORTY EGO

You mean to tell me that out of all the horrible stunts you've pulled. To me and summer and-and every other vversion of anyone you've ever met, you're not ashamed of anything?

RICK EGO

Alright, fine. Remember when I took you and Summer to all of those unusable bathrooms?

MORTY EGO

How could I forget about the urinal inside of an old sneaker?

RICK ID

Hahahahah, man, that was great. Remember that one toilet that was upside down on top of a pot of gold? And there was a leprechaun? Remember that?

MORTY ID

Of course I remember!

RICK EGO

Well, truth is... I could have taken you to a functioning bathroom at any time. I just thought it was hilarious.

MORTY EGO

I can't trust you at all! What else have you been lying about?

RICK ID

Calm down, bro, it was just a joke.

MORTY ID

You gave me a catheter as a joke?!

RICK SUPEREGO

This is why I never tell anyone anything, this isn't even half as bad as that other thing.

MORTY ID

What other thing?

RICK SUPEREGO

Don't do it, dude.

MORTY EGO

Yeah, what other thing, Rick?

RICK ID

Okay...I'm the one who posted Summer's nudes to

MORTY ID

I knew it!

RICK ID

The little brat deserved it after what she did to my stash!

MORTY SUPEREGO

I took the fall for that Rick, and now Summer won't even speak me! Mom grounded me for the rest of my life, and everyone at school thinks I'm a total creep!

RICK ID

Let me tell you something, sticking your dick in peanut butter is not all pretty and glossy like they make it look on reality tv, Morty!

MORTY EGO

What!? What does that - that doesn't even make sense.

RICK ID

What happens next might surprise you.

MORTY

What? Did you put it back on the shelf? Is that the bad part? I can't take this anymore!

RICK EGO

Get a hold of yourself!

RICK ID

Then I called in Snowball.

MORTY ID

But what would Snowball do with -

MORTY SUPEREGO

I can't breathe.

RICK ID

I know you think you've heard the worst of it, but the worst is yet to come, Morty.

MORTY SUPEREGO

No! No! I've had enough!

RICK ID

You asked for this Morty. You asked to unleash the beast.

MORTY EGO

What could be worse that peanutbutter dicking the dog?!

RICK ID

Peanutbutter dicking your dad.

MORTY SUPEREGO

(UNRESPONSIVE)

MORTY EGO

You...I can't even say it. With a Jerry?

RICK ID

I just wanted to fuck that stupid look off his face.

MORTY SUPEREGO

No way, Rick! Sick!

RICK SUPEREGO

I know. What's more disgusting than a Jerry?

MORTY EGO

But that's not everything, is it?

RICK ID

Not even close.

RICK EGO

So I did the only thing I could at the time, and put him out of his misery.

MORTY SUPEREGO

You didn't...

RICK EGO

Yep. I euthanized him and replaced him with a robot.

RICK SUPEREGO

But it's not the same.

RICK EGO

You just can't program that kind of pathetic.

MORTY EGO

I had a feeling. He was a little more...clean?

RICK EGO

Yeah, I did that. Made him dirty where it counts. Szechuan slathered his butthole like there was no tomorrow.

MORTY SUPEREGO

Stop it, I can't take this anymore! You're traumatizing me!

A blinding light illuminates the sky and the ghost of SIGMUND FREUD materializes in the form of a transient, floating head.

FREUD

What is the meaning of this? The last time I got a ping for this much fucked up shit going on at once was during the 2016 presidential election.

MORTY EGO

What? Who the fuck are you?

RICK EGO

Freud? But you're -

FREUD

I was never dead. My ego was immortalized by fame, my soul entombed in tiddy jokes, brought to life every time a college dude says "size does matter."

RICK ID

Makes sense, we were just getting to the good stuff.

RICK EGO

I was going to say, an asshole. We were just finishing up here so if you could just -

FREUD

Oh no, I don't mind. You can finish while I watch.

RICK SUPEREGO

How about no.

FREUD

I can tell that you like to be in control.

MORTY

Like a-a-uh daddy kink?

RICK ID

Every time a minor talks about their daddy kink, my cock twitches and I fantasize a little.

MORTY EGO

Jesus, Rick. (FACEPALMING) What the fuck?

RICK SUPEREGO

Oh my god.

RICK EGO

Focus, assholes! We barely moved an inch from that last one, Morty, and it's your turn.

MORTY SUPEREGO

But I don't have anything else, Rick.

RICK ID

Jerking off to your sister and fucking inanimate objects? That's less exciting than a coming age of film.

RICK EGO

I told you we were raising a pussy.

RICK ID

It's not my fault half of his chromosomes are shit.

MORTY ID

I eat my own cum!

MORTY SUPEREGO

No I don't! That's a lie!

RICK EGO

See. Ugh. We're never gonna get anywhere with this much cognitive dissonance.

RICK SUPEREGO

Are you sure you're being honest, Morty?

MORTY EGO

Am I being honest? What! I just told you I lick my hand clean after jerking off and you - you're - you !

FREUD

You know what must be done.

RICK EGO

Funny, I don't remember asking for a peanut gallery.

MORTY SUPEREGO

I don't like - what's he talking about? What's going on? What has to be done?!

RICK EGO

Listen, Morty. I didn't want to have to use this, but it's better you hear it from me. We gotta get out of here before the stream of consciousness ends. And as our last resort...

RICK ID

We have to fuck.

MORTY ID

Let's do this!

MORTY SUPEREGO

Me and you? That's like...incest, and you're so old, that's...I think I'm gonna puke.

MORTY EGO

How does that-how does that even-even, make any sense? What does sex have to do with anything?

RICK EGO

Don't flatter yourself. He's not gonna go through with it.

RICK ID

I'm gonna need you to-to-to fuck me Morty. Right up the butthole.

MORTY SUPEREGO

That's disgusting, I can't do that!

MORTY ID

I can! I can fuck anything - all all all of it! With my penis right - bam!- f-f-fuck!

RICK ID

That's my boy! Right in the anus.

MORTY ID

Yeah, anal! I'm-I'm gunna fuck the shit out of your butt. I mean not literally. I mean maybe literally? I don't know. I've never done this before.

RICK ID

Don't sweat it, (BURPS) I'm a champ.

MORTY SUPEREGO

I'm scared, Rick. I - I can accept the catheter and the stuff about Summer and even forgive you for what you did to Mom, but I can't - I can't fuck you, Rick. Don't ask me to do that.

FREUD

Uh, actually, you know, there is another -

RICK SUPEREGO

Fine. I give up. I can't do this.

RICK EGO

Even I'm not this fucked up.

RICK ID

HA! That's what you think, jackass-

RICK EGO punches RICK ID.

Rick EGO

Yeah, we're not doing that. Zip it up kiddo.

MORTY ID

S-shit wait, what? Augh I got-I gotta fuck _something._ FuUCK!

MORTY EGO

Whaddayou mean you can't? I don't wanna be stuck in a ford-dan fraud-in metaspace forever!

RICK EGO

Alright, calm your dick dandy. What I said earlier was bullshit. There's another way.

MORTY SUPEREGO

Oh my god. Rick, are you kidding me?! You were going to make me fuck you? When there's another way?

RICK SUPEREGO

(CRYING)

RICK ID

There's almost always another way.

MORTY EGO

You're the worst!

RICK EGO

But I'm the best worst, Morty, and I'm about to save your ass, like usual, with nothing but my own intellect and a little elbow grease.

RICK EGO

Here it goes, the big truth is…

RICK ID

I'm scared.

RICK SUPEREGO

Scared that I'm gonna lose you, Morty. And I know there are other Mortys out there but not like mine. My main Morty.

RICK ID

Gaaaaay!

MORTY EGO

W-well then why why do you always say such awful shit. It really doesn't feel like you care, you know?

RICK SUPEREGO

I'm terrified you fuckin idiot. And there's nothing more dangerous than fear. So-so I push you away. To protect myself, and you.

RICK ID

But mostly myself.

RICK EGO

But-but I can't lose you Morty. I'm nothing without you. Just just stuck in some thick haze of piercing self hatred and anger. So much fucking anger. It's so thick I can't see shit. But I see you and I think you know maybe. Maybe I don't have to be so fucking alone.

RICK SUPEREGO

(SNIFFLING) Maybe something I did was right.

RICK ID

And Good.

RICK SUPEREGO

And meant something real…

The THREE RICKS merge in a halo of light.

RICK

Alright, now get your collective shits together, you hear me? No more booze, no more buttholes, no more bullshit.

MORTY EGO

Honestly...I'm the one who drank the last of the milk.

RICK

Every time?

MORTY SUPEREGO

Since I was born.

RICK

You mean that wasn't Jerry?

MORTY ID

Nope.

RICK

Heh. Good one.

The THREE MORTYS hug RICK, and merge together in a halo of yellow light.

FREUD

Looks like my work here is done.

MORTY

But - but, you didn't do anything.

FREUD

(FADING) You're welcome.

RICK

Is this what it's like to have feelings? Gross. Now get off me, so we can get the hell out of here.

MORTY

(PLACING A HAND ON HIS CHEST) You're right, you really are the worst breast.

The ship jerks.

MORTY

I mean BEST!


End file.
